Dear Soul Sister,
I’ve heard this reasoning before, and while I don’t reject it, I also have no clue what it means:
“Work on yourself, create a relationship with yourself, etc.” Can you clue me in?
Oh sure I can!
We recreate outside of us that which is going on inside of us. Most people have the identity that they are ‘not enough’ and look to outside circumstances to give them value. Some choose material things (you know that ‘overcompensation’ joke about men’s penises and flashy cars? Its not far off, except it isn’t about the penis so much as their feelings about what penis size means about them.)
Relationships are another place this is reflected. While one seeks to be elevated by what appears outside (physical attractiveness and/or material wealth) they don’t feel internally they are worthy of that so they are drawn to those who talk to them the way they talk to themselves. It’s familiar.
Let’s look at the physical abuse dynamic, because it is easy for people on the ‘outside’ to not understand. Person A, say a female, who has low self-esteem (no matter what she looks like) will be enchanted by the suave debonaire person B, say a male, she never thought she could get. He says all the right things in the beginning, plus his looks (or maybe money) make her perceive he is ‘better’ than her and is elevating her. Once he has her hooked is when the charming begins to fade and the jerk begins to show. He begins to tell her the things she believed about herself from the beginning; validating what was going on inside all along. Hence, her relationship with him matches her relationship with herself.
She talks negatively to herself and he talks negatively to her. It validates her self-image. It feels familiar because this is what she thinks of herself.
The good news is that the power is all in the individual’s hands. The more person A has a healthy image of him/herself, the more she/he (guys can be persons A too!) will no longer look to outside circumstances to elevate.
Remember that Soul Sister works with people on just these issues, so if you are looking to elevate your internal world, contact me, please to arrange a complimentary assessment.